The; "You will have more kids" statement. This is the statement that determines what level of friendship that I can have, if a romance will last or if a previous bond is still there with my friends and family. I hate it, and what I hate more than anything is more often than not is comes from parents. One child does not replace another, you cant say to a mother of 3 I am going to take your oldest child away from you but it is ok cause you have 2 others. Why do people not get that this is the same statement? My daughter can't be replaced by another child that I have. She will always be my first baby girl, she will always be the daughter that I was not good enough for. The hash and scary reality that comes with not having any other kids is what if she the one that got away? What if I end up not having kids at all, or even worse what if I do have kids and my kids feel like they never measure up to this lucid idea of my daughter that I don't have? Every time someone says these words to me all of these fears flash through my mind.
I am not saying that I regret the decision I made to place my daughter for adoption. She has a life that I could never have given her, her adoptive parents are amazing people and I am so glad that my daughter has them as her parents. I have gotten to go to school and get my degree, move away from home, travel the world, and truly experience the life of a young woman. Placing my daughter for adoptions is the best decision that I have made in my life for her and this is what I have a hard time being ok with, it was the best decision I could have made for my own life as well. I don't regret placing my daughter, but that doesn't mean I don't miss here, that doesn't mean that I don't love her more that life itself, that doesn't mean that that doesn't mean that I don't wounder what could have been, it just means that I know it was what was best.
Having my daughter changed my life and taught me how to live it, she gave me a life I did't know was out there, I took leaps into the world and out of planes cause I knew that the hardest thing I ever did and likely will ever do was now behind me and I won't now or ever let my life be nothing because I don't have my daughter. My entire goal in life since I had her is to be someone that she can look up to, be someone that is worthy of having me make up half of that beautiful girl. There is no replacement to a person that you love, my daughter is no different. I love her, she is the person in this world I would give everything for, the only difference is I have to put my faith in her parents, what ever higher power is out there, and a decision that I made when I was 19. Frankly put that shit is scary as fuck, some days it is easy to talk myself down and others days all I want to do is hide from the world under the covers other days I have to completely engulf myself in the world to know that it is ok.
There is no cure for a mother not having the child that she loves, and no matter how amazing that other child is or will be they don't replace the other.
